(Minghui.org) Greetings, esteemed Master! Greetings, fellow practitioners!
I participated in various projects over the years, and I’ve had many cultivation experiences. Through these experiences, I clearly saw a repeating theme and I was able to identify my fundamental attachments.
Fulfilling My Responsibilities
I’m involved in helping with Shen Yun and Gan Jing World. I’m also a member of the Falun Dafa Association.
When my responsibilities increased I sometimes felt they were unpredictable, enormous, and crushing. But other times everything just flows. I don’t have much free time, but my job is very flexible. I’m able to participate actively in projects and get things done. But new demands began coming my way. History seemed to be repeating itself and gave me opportunities to gain deeper insights in order to do things with a purer heart, instead of being motivated by human notions.
Let’s go back a few years, to 2017. A big problem was heading my way. It was my first time helping with accounting for the Shen Yun Tour in Germany, and different issues lurked behind the scenes. I also took care of the children of two practitioners who were on tour with Shen Yun. Most of the time I was not at home, but in another city.
We had to deal with online advertising for the first time. Many surprises in the process caused me concern about our cash flow. I began getting reports that fliers and the staff to transport them were missing. I also dealt with issues at my regular work.
That night I had a dream that showed me how I could look at financial challenges in two ways. One way was loose and calm. The other way was tense and caused physical pain. However, I was already familiar with one of the ways. In my dream, I constantly switched between these two perspectives and I could clearly perceive the difference.
I suddenly woke up and almost screamed in pain. It felt as if my neck was going to fall off. I couldn’t stand up, and could only raise my arms to the height of my chest. I sent out righteous thoughts and asked Master for help. However, the pain did not go away. I was not at home. I was watching the two practitioners’ children. Somehow I managed to get in the shower because I thought a hot stream of water would relieve the pain. After the shower, I tried to sit down to send righteous thoughts, but the pain was overwhelming. I kept reciting "Falun Dafa hao" ("Falun Dafa is good") and saying that I was a Dafa practitioner. I waited until 5 a.m. and called a practitioner who was a doctor. She made a remote diagnosis of Acute torticollis, a painful condition of the neck caused by severe involuntary muscle contraction which twists the head to one side. The treatment was to avoid stress, get lots of rest, and use lots of heat.
It was clear that I was getting a lesson in letting go.
Master said,
“Do you realize that as long as you’re a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across—even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are—to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated, for your improvement is what’s most important.” (“Further Understanding,” Essentials for Further Advancement)
Given my physical condition, I was forced to let go of everything and wholeheartedly trust Master. My next step was to set priorities. First, find childcare. Another practitioner came and helped me. I had to cancel the transport of fliers planned for that day, but unexpectedly someone else took over. I contacted my colleagues at work and said that I probably would not be able to work for two days.
I had to secure the cash flow for the online advertising for Shen Yun. A colleague who is also a practitioner and I organized a loan, which was quickly repaid. Everything was arranged. With a bent back and twisted neck, I could now at a snail’s pace go to the nearest pharmacy to get a heat plaster and a hot water bottle for my back. The pain was still very strong, but the cramp in my mind eased.
The next day was already Friday and I drove with both children to my home, where my wife could take over. I took a walk in the woods which helped me relax. And only now, while I write this, did I realize that Master already arranged everything.
Maybe I was a little too excited by how quickly I got better because when I went back to Frankfurt the next day, I got a severe toothache and a swollen cheek. Obviously, I had not let everything go or taken it lightly. Again, I organized childcare, quickly wrapped up the most important work, and sought out a practitioner who was a dentist.
All along, I had a feeling that if Shen Yun could not be successfully staged, it would be solely due to me and my condition. These thoughts were always present and it did not occur to me to eliminate them. My sense of duty drove me to always be proactive in order to avoid problems.
My confidence in finding my attachments was not yet strong enough and my fear of negative consequences if I let go was too great. Especially when the story was repeated a year later, in 2018. I had symptoms of whooping cough. I was unable to sleep for weeks and I sometimes could not speak. When Shen Yun came to Germany, I had heart palpitations and dizzy spells.
I finally realized two things:
1. All the hard work, diligence, perseverance, and taking on tasks and responsibilities was me trying to buy Master’s mercy. I felt that all beings should receive merciful salvation unconditionally, but I had to work for it... Even today, I still have this thought and it controls my behavior.
2. It is not me who has to harmonize everything—or my personal responsibility. It’s not necessary for me to single-handedly use human methods, such as hands and feet, heavy heart, long face, and gray with worries. No, it is Dafa that harmonizes everything.
Cherishing My Cultivation Environment
My way of doing projects caused a lot of resentment to grow in me and I wondered why others didn’t take on responsibilities; instead, they helped in a noncommittal way. Sometimes practitioners gave me the impression that they viewed a project or our group of practitioners as a surrogate family.
Apart from my arrogance and envy mixed in with this resentment, I had difficulty understanding some practitioners. I mostly looked at how much work they did or did not do, and I forgot that they were also cultivating. Sometimes they just needed time or understanding because they were dealing with serious cultivation obstacles.
I wasn’t really there for them. I also no longer appreciated the time spent reading the Fa, practicing the exercises, and discussing as a group. I impatiently wanted to move on to what I felt was the important part of a meeting—our projects. My earlier joy of cultivation was replaced by resentment and heaviness.
I have the inspiration of Shen Yun right in front of me, but sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. Shen Yun redeems people through dance, song, and music. Every performance has a happy ending. I think this happy message can only be conveyed by the artists if they have deeply internalized this and really live it. Joy from the heart has tremendous power. Pure goodness wants only the best for others.
The stories of Shen Yun often tell of willingness to help others. We also know that this is a characteristic of the new cosmos, as Master teaches us to think of other’s needs first, instead of focusing on our own problems.
Actually, I learned this very early on, but perhaps I wasn’t attentive. About a month after I began to practice Dafa in May 2000, I wanted to help a fellow practitioner at the university raise awareness and collect signatures to end the persecution. At that time, I had a bad stutter so I avoided speaking publicly.
I overcame my reluctance and went with him to the first lecture hall. I don’t remember how it happened, but I found myself standing in front of the class while the other practitioner stood on the side. I reminded myself, “You should think of others, not your fear. Practitioners are being persecuted, you have to help them.”
I explained why we were there and read the petition. When the signatures came back I realized that I just fluently spoke to a packed auditorium - without stuttering! I also moved people to give their signatures against the persecution. My knees shook and I suddenly felt dizzy, but it felt like a huge blockade had suddenly been broken!
I realized that when I do something for others, I don’t think about my own needs and worries and I have the power to make a difference. Master arranged the best for me, and through this experience, I saw the power of the Fa. I am infinitely grateful to Master!
From now on, to improve our efforts and cultivation environment, I will give the other practitioners an unbiased, open ear, and be mindful of their needs. I will simply be there for them and not judge them. I also don’t need to think that this is a waste of time. I resolve to: Cultivate joy no matter what the circumstances. Be of good temper. Be willing to endure great suffering. Be determined and have the strong willpower to face great difficulties.
After Master’s lectures: “Stay Out of Danger,” and “Cultivation in Dafa is Serious,” my resentment surfaced once again. I was unwilling to deal with what I felt were immense demands and workloads within the projects. I felt imbalanced and lacked understanding towards other practitioners. These were old attachments, but now they were even more intense.
My professional situation changed. This means that the finances at my job no longer work the way it used to and I have to find other ways to ensure this.
I felt I was about to fall into the trap again and I wished to bring everything under one hat with human methods. On the human level, this does not seem probable—to be active in Dafa projects to the same extent and to secure the necessary income.
I’m aware that I’m being given an opportunity to prove what I realized in the past years of cultivation and I need to do better. Because my current situation is almost identical to some major trials that took place a long time ago.
Master said,
“Unfortunately, when you don’t conduct yourself well during the persecution, your tribulations become more fierce. And when you can’t overcome them, some of you begin to resent Dafa, or even me. But all of these things happen because of issues on your part. Your Teacher owes you nothing.” (“Stay out of Danger”)
How can my attitude of complaint still be acceptable? When I encounter something I don’t like, I don’t find the source of the feeling associated with it, instead, I let it go somewhere in the background. This leads to stress and inevitably affects the outcome. But, the path should not be chosen too quickly, because finding the right path is also cultivation.
Master said,
“So I want to spell out for those who have not truly worked on themselves spiritually and have grown resentful after failing to pass tests in their spiritual development: spiritual practice is about working on yourself.” (“Stay Far Away From Peril”)
I remembered a peculiarity in the German culture, which I often notice in myself and other practitioners: Which is to focus on doing one thing right, rather than doing the right thing. Something may be unimportant, unnecessary, or wrong, but we cling to it anyway.
So with projects, there are often long discussions about what should be done better, or why it's all wrong. But we should be more concerned about just focusing and doing the right thing. That’s often hard to do because you have solid, well-reasoned arguments and facts in front of you that prove you are right. The decisive factor here is our own cultivation. And in the culture of rightness, letting go and wishing the other person the best from the heart, that is, upright goodwill, is more important.
My insight into this: I am too attached to the results of a project instead of cultivating myself. Shen Yun shows us how to give ultimate importance to a project, but cultivation is the basis of everything. My understanding is that, only if we cultivate ourselves well will the project be successful.
Respect for Master and the seriousness of cultivation are the basis of everything.
Recently, I could not sleep properly at night and I woke up filled with anxiety. I even had panic attacks. There were no external causes that could explain such a thing. On a good day, I woke up feeling as if I was about to take the final exams in school, without any warning or time to study for them. In such a state it was very hard for me to concentrate when I read the Fa and did the exercises. This lasted for several days. I had experienced something like this from time to time in the past. But this time I just didn’t have the strength and will to fight it. I suddenly realized that I mistook these thoughts as my own. But isn’t that exactly the thought karma Master talks about in Zhuan Falun? Why did I always allow these things to move me?
Was it perhaps repressed fear about my work situation? No, it wasn’t that. It was more like a fear of failure. It was the fear of making mistakes being criticized for possible mistakes, or of disappointing others whose opinions I value a lot. I always thought that I had no vanity and that fame or reputation were not my problems. But now, if I am forced to give up projects related to Falun Dafa for gainful employment, or if I am forced to give up certain tasks... How would I deal with it? Do I want to avoid confronting my embarrassing, shameful fears, or do I just deal with them openly?
The process of realization is still ongoing. But the more I become clear, the deeper I recognize the human thought structures and behavior patterns within me. I have to acknowledge that, in the past, these behaviors definitely had a positive effect. They drove me to do certain tasks and I was also able to gather the courage to take responsibility. But at the core, it has to be pure. So now I need to align myself with the standard of the Fa.
In order to preserve my reputation and not encounter fears, I have rather given priority to the majority opinion in projects or groups, or to the understanding of other practitioners, to whose opinion I attach much importance. If I had had the courage to trust my own realizations from the Fa more, that is, to follow my own heart more, what would it have looked like? The final result would probably have been similar or even better because it would have come from my heart. I actually realized, the Fa is with us and harmonizes everything.
This realization was reinforced when I was studying the Fa with other practitioners. I don’t usually see anything with my third eye, but I suddenly had a very clear image of a flower inside me. All around, everything was gloomy, as if a bad storm was coming. The flower had not yet bloomed, but the bud was already shining like a sun. On the bud was a kind of black shell, with which the flower protected itself on the one hand against hostile things on the outside, but at the same time it prevented the petals from unfolding. I suddenly understood: I was the shell!
This image gave me a lot of confidence—that it’s all right if I do things the way I understand. I don’t always have to question whether or not I’m doing something right, the German way. The Fa is there and I am rooted in it. I can let it unfold in a relaxed way. During the unfolding, maybe a little karma gets blown away, which is unpleasant, but that’s part of it.
I am very grateful for my experiences in the recent weeks and months, despite all the turbulence. I’ve been able to recognize which shackles still hold me here, how I can gradually let go of them, and how I can fulfill my responsibilities.
Thank you, Esteemed Master and fellow practitioners.
(Presented at the 2023 Germany Fa Conference)
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