(Minghui.org) Greetings, esteemed Master and fellow practitioners!
I recently understood some Fa principles, and my understanding deepened—but it has been a long process.
Let me start by explaining my background. I grew up in a religious family, and we attended church every Sunday. For many years I went along with the rituals, but I had many unanswered questions. I lacked the courage to ask anyone the many questions I had about life and spirituality.
I sometimes tried to imagine how big the universe was, and I felt I was as small as a pin. Maybe the universe was as big as a city or a country or a continent, or was it even bigger than the earth? Was there only one universe?
This idea seemed so infinitely beyond me that it made me very fearful. I was afraid that I might be insignificant and worthless in the eyes of the Creator and that the Creator might not think a pin-sized creature like me was worth any kindness. This thought later expanded and I felt I was not important enough to be loved.
Years later in 2010 when I began practicing Falun Dafa, I realized how egotistical my original thought was. Master’s latest teaching “How Humankind Came To Be” shook me awake, and I saw my arrogance.
Confronting My Ego
Master said,
“Currently the human world is experiencing the last period in the Destruction phase of the Formation, Stasis, Degeneration, Destruction progression. Everything has changed for the worse in these end times, as fated, and destruction is thus imminent. And it is for this reason that the world is so troubled. Good thoughts are rare, people’s minds have become twisted, debauchery and drug abuse are rampant, and people subscribe to atheism. These are inevitable in the last stage of the cosmos, and bespeak of the time at which we have arrived!” (“How Humankind Came To Be”)
Before I began practicing, my ego grew and became stronger, but I did not see it. I was convinced I was right. My knowing side was increasingly suppressed. I was moving away from goodness—instead, I pursued self-affirmation, fame, freedom, and fun.
When I began to practice Dafa, I realized how bleak, lonely, lost, and selfish my life had been. I realized that, during those years, I created more and more karma. I developed strong opinions about people, situations, and myself. Only Dafa has the power to truly expose these things, and only Master can eliminate karma.
A Conflict Exposes My Cultivation Gaps
A recent experience helped me clearly see what was not my true self and see the Fa principles at my level.
Three years ago I had a conflict with another practitioner. I had been involved in a project for years. After some time my position changed and I worked directly with the coordinator. Last year, I lost my position. On the surface, I lost it due to a conflict and was replaced by a more capable person. Anger, frustration and envy, insecurity and self-doubt were just some of the attachments that took over my thoughts. I lost confidence in Master’s most important project. It was not the project itself that I doubted, but the execution on the human level and the coordinator. What happened impacted me so dramatically that I didn’t know if I wanted to continue participating in any part of this project.
When I reflected on what happened, I noticed the communist way of thinking and acting. Before my position was officially revoked, I mentioned this “communist mentality” to the project management. In the past, I wanted to give more support, but I always felt that my role was suppressed. I did not say much and understood cooperation meant quietly doing what I was told to do. However, my understanding gradually changed and I wanted to be more active.
However, when I talked to the coordinator, my starting point was not based on Dafa and the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance--it was based on frustration, anger, and an attitude of telling others what to do. I was disappointed that I was not involved in the earlier processes. From my standpoint, the communist mindset was obvious and was reflected in practitioners’ attitudes and their behavior.
After this conflict, I was filled with resentment and disappointment. I found it almost impossible to take a step back and look at things rationally. I felt resigned and hopeless. I wondered whether I would ever be willing to participate in this project.
My human feelings and views were getting in the way. Even though everything indicated that the situation was a cultivation opportunity, I had a hard time calming down. The old forces had targeted my deepest, most vulnerable thoughts.
I kept asking myself: "What did I really come to this world for? Did I want to validate myself, or the Fa? Was I willing to let go of my ego and put Dafa first?"
In the process of looking inward and examining what happened, I began to rectify myself and put Dafa first. Level by level, I perceived how I was elevating. In some moments, the negative, egotistic substances were so strong that all I wanted to do was withdraw and stop participating in group activities. My knowing side had to repeatedly eliminate my human thoughts. It’s a painful process to recognize one’s resentment, inadequacies, and envy. I had to come to terms with where I failed to cultivate myself.
I was the one who built up this karma, and so it was I who had to face it and dismantle it. The attachment to protecting myself was very intense and I had the urge to avoid other practitioners.
I remembered Master’s teachings and thought, "When my attitude is so negative, am I conforming to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance?"
Eventually, I gained a deeper understanding of what my true self is and what is not my true self and what it means to affirm Dafa and not myself while correcting myself according to the Fa principles that I recognized at my level. I was able to move on from there.
Following Master’s Hints
In the weeks that followed, Master gave me several hints. One was in the form of a cultivation story that showed me very plainly the deeply hidden root of my attachment.
The story tells how the disciple of a Western divine being is shown his attachments, such as resentment, frustration, doubt, and being competitive.
During a storm, a divine being walks on water. His disciples are sitting in a boat and are afraid of drowning because at that time hardly anyone could swim. In his anger and frustration, the disciple provokes the deity, saying that he will only truly believe that the divine being is a deity if the disciple can walk on water. The divine being agrees to let the man walk on water—on one condition: He must not look to the right or left and must ignore the waves and the storm.
The student gets out of the boat despite the high waves and walks across the water. However, in a moment of doubt, he looks to the left and right and sees the waves. He is overcome with fear, knowing that he cannot swim and may die.
At that moment he begins to sink under the waves. But the divine being does not abandon his disciple: He reaches down and pulls him out of the water. He holds his hand, takes him back to the boat, and comforts him.
After my experience, I understood why I remembered this story. I realized how much kindness and love the divine being had for his disciple, even when the man doubted him. The divine being was aware of how important this process was for his disciple and did not leave him alone even in the moment when he no longer trusted his master. The divine being was always there and helped him.
I suddenly understood the root of my attachment that was formed in my childhood.
It’s just as Master said:
“Of course, there are some people who, when seeking divine help in times of duress, haven’t been satisfied with the outcome, and started to loathe God—even turning against Him as a result. Some have even turned to the demonic, dark side, and committed still further sins and made yet more karma.” (“How Humankind Came To Be”)
I could not fully understand or process what happened until I read Master’s article. I was just like that disciple--I still harbored doubt and deep resentment.
Because of the negative outlook I'd formed as a child, I thought any difficulties I encountered were unfair. Because this was my starting point, everything got worse, and my negative outlook became second nature.
Whenever others were treated better or got a position I was interested in but didn’t have the “ability,” or I had to work twice as hard, I felt I was treated unfairly. I didn’t understand why others had an easier life than I or had more knowledge and abilities. Feelings of resentment and envy arose in me and I felt unbalanced in my heart. Although I knew the Fa and the principles, I did not look inward, view what happened from a cultivator’s perspective, and use it as an opportunity to raise my level.
My starting point was that I saw everything as punishment instead of the consequence of my attitude and behavior. Only when I recognized this deep resentment, sincerely apologized to Master, and rejected this old force arrangement did I experience a fundamental change from within.
It finally dawned on me that I could not achieve many of the things I wanted, no matter how hard I tried. I understood that they were not part of my destiny, and because I did not have enough de (virtue) to fulfill it.
Looking Ahead
I realized many crucial issues. It must not matter on my path whether someone has attachments or views that disturb me, whether he recognizes the elements of communism in himself, is willing to eliminate them or not, or how he treats me. It only depends on how I deal with it and what it has to do with me, as well as what attachments I have to eliminate.
At a different level I understood why a cultivator or person might not be willing to change--even though he’s given hints--until he recognizes the issue himself. It’s difficult to eliminate communist thoughts, behavior, attachments, and views through reason or emotion, and even less can commands change a practitioner or an ordinary person.
Fundamental change can only begin by recognizing the Fa principles with the starting point of compassion. Through sharing experiences based on the Fa principles, if we have an open heart, we can recognize our issues, and Master will help us eliminate them.
When mercy is the starting point, the true essence of a living being is touched. Even if my attitude is not yet merciful and kind, I can deny everything that does not yet conform to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance and stop feeding my negative side. When I indulge in negative substances, I unconsciously go down a demonic path and create more karma.
Practicing is not about living a good life on the human level or about being healthy. It is about trusting Master and the Fa and aligning myself with and affirming the Fa principles, despite tribulations.
I may not always fully understand the honor of being a Dafa disciple at this historic time, but I know that I no longer want to be distracted by interference. My eyes should be on my mission and my task. In this process, I may let go of more and more of my views about myself and others.
I would like to conclude with the following quote and with the greatest gratitude to Master.
Master said,
“His love is the highest and most sacred blessing for all lives! There is no greater honor for any person in this world than to be loved by Him!” (“Why the Creator Seeks to Save All Life”)
Thank you, compassionate Master, for not letting go of my hand and for not letting go of my fellow practitioners’ hands!
(Presented at the 2023 Germany Fa Conference)
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